…Or Christmas Gifts To Give Kids Because You Hate Their Parents!
1. Any Lego set with over 100 pieces. It will require approximately 127.5 man hours to construct the set, only to realize days later that one crucial Lego was lost in the process. Parents can barely keep track of their keys, wallet and children, let alone 1000 Legos.
NSZM SOLUTION: Dump all the left over Lego pieces into a giant bin for your kids to make their own creations. Remember in the Lego movie when Will Ferrel used the crazy glue to put the Lego sets together? All his son wanted was to use his imagination and make his own creations. At least, that’s what I recall from the 10 minutes of the movie I actually watched. Although you may be teaching your kid to be a quitter, they will be happy and so will you. Parenting win!
2. Any stuffed animal or doll that makes noise or sings…Especially holiday-themed stuffed animals. A favorite gift of Grandmas everywhere. For instance, the singing turkey at Thanksgiving or the caroling Rudolph at Christmas. Another favorite (although not holiday-themed), the mechanical fish that flops around AND sings.
NSZM SOLUTION: Save all of these annoying creatures and combine them to make a fabulous addition to your next White Elephant Gift Exchange.
3. Any instrument at all, especially a drum set. Unless your child is in the double digits, any instrument they receive is going to be the bane of your existence. Let’s face it, your kid may be “advanced” (according to you), but they’re probably not the next Ludwig van Beethoven. My advice, delay the introduction of instruments as long as possible. Say, till they’re thirty!
*My seven-year-old just asked for a guitar for Christmas and I have to admit that because I’m a Not So Zen Mom and don’t want to impede my son’s path to being the well-rounded adult I hope he will turn out to be, I’m probably going to cave on this one. Just being honest!
NSZM SOLUTION: If your kid doesn’t bring up a guitar, flute or drum set, neither should you!
4. Pets of any kind. I don’t care if it’s a reptile, mammal, amphibian or insect, NO PETS SHALL EVER BE GIVEN AS A GIFT TO ANY CHILD. Not even a beta fish. This is a cardinal rule that everyone must respect, especially grandma’s who think their grandchildren require a pet to have a happy childhood. Pets should only be purchased by the parents and specifically by Moms, because everyone knows that’s who’s going to end up taking care of said pet when all is said and done.
NSZM SOLUTION: Make sure you get your “NO PET RULE” on record with anyone you think may make the horrible mistake of buying your child a pet without asking. Better to be safe than sorry! It’s a lot harder to take away a pet than it is to avoid getting one.
5. Silly string…Especially the kind that doesn’t disintegrate when wet. You know who you are 😉
NSZM SOLUTION: Sorry, don’t have one…