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PARENTHOOD: IF YOU DON'T LAUGH, YOU'LL CRY

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  • GROUNDHOG DAY
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    • Bumps, Bruises, Goose Eggs & Fat Lips
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    • Running Errands With Your Kids…Don’t!
    • The Key To Bedtime Success!
    • The Morning Routine: Like Herding Cats
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  • SURVIVAL STRATEGIES
    • Expectations Ruin Everything…Especially When It Comes To Parenting
    • Never Trust A Fart!
    • Parenthood: If You Don’t Laugh, You’ll Cry
    • Sleep Interrupted: I’m ‘Bout To Ferberize Yo Ass!
  • KIDS BEHAVING BADLY
    • Babies: Equal Parts Cute & Annoying
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    • Little Boys: Trying To Civilize The Uncivilized
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  • LOVE & MARRIAGE
    • Ebola Ain’t Got Shit On A Man-Cold!
    • How To Know When Your Sex Life Needs An Overhaul After Kids
  • EPIC PARENT FAILS
    • Parent Fail #394: Hello Scissors
    • Scaring The Shit Out Of Your Kids
  • MISC. MOMMY WISDOM
    • Even I Can’t Put A Funny Spin On Death!
    • How Kids Take The “Happy” Out Of “Happy Holidays”
      • Christmas Break…Serenity Now!
      • Christmas Gifts NOT To Give Kids
      • Most Creative Use of a White Elephant Holiday Gift
      • Nothing Says “Happy Chanukah” Like a 10ft Menorah
      • Not So Zen Mom New Year’s Resolution
      • P.S. I Hate You Elf On A Shelf
      • P.P.S. The Elf On A Shelf Now Offers Accessories (Sold Separately Of Course)
      • Santa Clause Is Coming To Town
      • The Holiday Circle of Life: Christmas Parties, Excessive Sugar & Children
      • The Holidays: If You Don’t Laugh, You’ll Cry!
      • Tools For Slightly Better Holiday Behavior From Your Kids
      • Throw a Festivus Party…Because it’s Funny
      • What Mommy Really Wants For Christmas
      • When Grandma Asks What the Kids Want For Christmas
    • Kids & Cameras
      • Kids & Cameras: The Role Reversal
      • “Say Cheese”
      • The New Mommy Superpower: Slow Motion Video
    • Nesting: The Act Of Going Bat Shit Crazy Before Your Baby Is Born
    • Super Douches & Throat Punches
    • Why I Hate Minivans & They Hate Me
    • Your Child Is The Center Of Your Universe, Not Mine

Archives for May 2015

You Don’t Need An Antidepressant, You Need A Nanny!

May 29, 2015Leave a Comment

needanannytext

There is postpartum depression and there is being an overwhelmed mom to young kids. We call this “Parent Fatigue Syndrome.” Sometimes it can be tough to tell the difference because you’re so exhausted, but these are two totally different things. Some of the symptoms of postpartum depression include insomnia (duh), intense irritability and anger (check), overwhelming fatigue (obviously), loss of interest in sex (hilarious), severe mood swings (seriously?), thoughts of harming yourself or your baby (no comment). If you do have postpartum depression, then you obviously need to seek profession help. If you are just a normal, overwhelmed and exhausted mom, hang in there. Though faint, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If you’re starting to feel like a shell of yourself, it’s time to get some help from your spouse with the nighttime wakings and more than likely it’s time to sleep train. Do what you have to do to rest up, because a tired mom is an unhappy mom and an unhappy mom makes everyone miserable. Remember, mom is at the helm of this ship and right now it looks like you’re on the Titanic. Time to make some changes.
The struggle with exhaustion wages on for several years when you have multiple kids. You will continue to be woken up on a semi-regular basis for some stupid reason or another for quite some time. Whether it be from the nighttime feedings, a leaky pull-up, a nightmare, a trip to the bathroom, a cough, a sneeze or a hug. There are a couple of things you can do to try and combat the fatigue, depressed like state you may find yourself in. Find what works for you and do it. Even your spouse who may love you more than life itself probably isn’t gonna notice that you’re hanging on by a thread. It’s up to you to take care of yourself and ask for help when you need it.

Tips For Handling The Exhaustion That Comes With Having Babies:

  • Napping: make it your mission. Squeezing in a daily nap is no longer a luxury, but a survival strategy. Even a twenty-minute power nap may be enough to get you through the rest of the day.
  • Give yourself a break and get a damn babysitter. Take a night out with your spouse at least once a month for an early dinner to avoid the bedtime routine. Or get a babysitter during the day, so you can still make your new early bedtime of 8:30pm right after the kids go to sleep.
  • Take turns with your spouse giving each other breaks whenever possible. These breaks from the daily grind will help you hang on to that tiny glimmer of hope that you’re all going to survive the baby trenches. Whether it’s a dinner out with girlfriends, a yoga class or a kid-less walk, take some time for yourself regularly. Would you rather be the mom who is around all the time, but grumpy and pissed off or the mom that takes time for her self and actually enjoys her kids (well, most of the time)?
  • Losing your shit. This is bound to happen once in a while, whether you can’t pacify a crying kid or your hormones are going berserk. Allow yourself to take a mommy time out. Put your little darling safely in their crib and step outside for a minute to regain your composure. Shut the door behind you so you can’t hear the crying for a minute. Don’t worry, your one-month-old isn’t going to climb out of their crib and call child protective services.

Living the Dream…

“Parenting Will Get Easier When…”

May 27, 2015Leave a Comment

Parenthood consists of a multitude of different moments (some amazing and some horrifying), that will elevate you to your highest highs and sink you to your lowest lows. Clearly it wouldn’t be possible to maintain the kind of elation you feel when your child cracks their first smile or takes their first steps. But somehow the darkness that looms when your child is stuck in a rather unfortunate phase characterized by nightly wakings and daytime crankiness can seem to linger on with no end. There is nothing wrong with being open and honest when you are in the midst of a challenging stage of parenting. The Not So Zen Mom is all about honesty. Commiserating about your current challenges could just help you nab a new set of mommy friends to help you muddle through the trenches.

On the flip side, part of being Not So Zen is making the mistake of always anticipating that “Parenting will get easier when,” instead of focusing on and accepting the here and now. Here are a few examples:

  • Parenting will get easier when my kid doesn’t crap in their pants.
  • Parenting will get easier when my kid sleeps through the night.
  • Parenting will get easier when my kid can talk (Talking = Whining and asking you for stuff)
  • Parenting will get easier when my kids stop bickering (Don’t count on that one)

I’m not saying you have to like every stage of parenthood, or even pretend to, because frankly some can be less than stellar. It’s far more important to recognize when you’re in one of these difficult stages, so you can properly adjust your expectations. And by “adjust” I mean lower…dramatically! I explain the Not So Zen Mom’s approach to expectations in this post: Expectations Ruin Everything…Especially When It Comes To Parenting. When you’re always depending on “parenting will get easier when…” you are building up expectations, which are bound to disappoint and meanwhile wishing away huge chunks of your kid’s childhood. Remember, bigger kids, bigger problems. Because bigger kids make bigger mistakes, which means bigger consequences. Maybe poopy diapers and 5:45am wake ups aren’t so bad after all!

I’m not claiming to have mastered the art of acceptance and lowered expectations. After all, if I had, this website would be called the Totally Zen Mom instead of the Not So Zen Mom. I will tell you there is a glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel. Things will indeed get better when your kids stop crapping in their pants and start sleeping through the night. Just remember, parenting is ever evolving, just like your children and sometimes easier really means “different.” The daily care your child requires will lessen every year that passes, but the challenge of teaching your kid not to be an asshole and make positive life choices will increase at the very same rate. Easier workload, bigger challenges. Any dumbass can change a diaper. Not every parent is equipped to help their child build character and learn not to be an asshole when they grow up.

Here is a personal example of the, “Parenting will get easier when…” thinking: Last night when my boys were bathing, I stepped out of the bathroom to grab their towels and throw on my PJ’s. I remember when the kids were younger thinking how much easier things will be when I can at least step out of the bathroom for two seconds without fearing something horrible happening. Upon my return two minutes later, my older son informed me that his brother had pooped in the tub. Not to worry though, he had scooped it up and thrown it in the toilet. And there they sat in the post-poop water, like their problem solving skills were right on point. Wow! This would definitely qualify in the parenting challenges changing VS. getting easier category. Apparently, I need to focus on teaching some personal hygiene before I tackle the character building and positive life choices. Oh well!

Living the Dream…

Bad Haircut Karma

May 22, 2015Leave a Comment

As some of you may recall, I gave one of my girlfriends a bit of shit about her daughters repeatedly cutting their own hair down to the root (http://wp.me/p5p3lP-rL). Unfortunately, in doing so, I brought the wrath of bad hair cutting karma down upon my poor, unsuspecting 7-year-old son (he’s not quite as innocent as he sounds). Let me explain…Several years ago after having my second son and attempting to take them both to the barber for haircuts every other month, I asked myself, “Why am I paying for this torture?” Neither child would sit still, there was always a wait and the haircuts weren’t really that good. I figured, I can give my sons a mediocre haircut for free, in the comfort of my own home. Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Fast forward several years and things started to get a little “loosey goosey.” I would wait longer and longer to give the kids haircuts because they would always complain and then there was the necessary post haircut shower and cleanup. In this particular instance, I had waited extra long to give the kids their haircuts. Picture Elvis sideburns, some neck hair and a duck’s ass an inch in length. Did I mention it was the morning of picture day at school? I told you I waited too long! Amid the typical mad dash to get out the door for school in the morning, I added to the mix two haircuts and a shower. Not my best laid plan. After attempting to reason with my kids about my haircut plan to no avail, I snagged one of my boys and planted him on the stool, clippers in hand.

While I would love to blame my son for what happened next, I’m certain that wouldn’t be 100% fair. Though he didn’t make things easy and certainly riled me into quite a frenzied state, he wasn’t holding the clippers. I was. Then this happened:

FullSizeRender

The #3 guard was on the clippers, I swear. But somehow this is what happened. The worst part is that my son was so horrified that he wouldn’t let me finish the job and instead chose to go to school like this for two days before he let me take him to a barber to fix it. There are two lessons to be learned from this parent fail. #1. Always double-check the guard on the clippers. #2. Never make fun of your friend whose kid cut their bangs off at the root, because that is sure to come right back around and bite you in the ass!

Living the Dream… 

How To Really Have A Happy Mother’s Day

May 11, 2015Leave a Comment

We all love our kids more than anything on this earth and would do anything for them. In fact, we prove this point from the moment they’re born, in varying degrees, until they reach adulthood and sometimes beyond. Therefore, my new solution to the surest way to a Happy Mother’s Day is to fly the coop. Now that the kids are older (4 & 7) and easier to care for, my girlfriend and I took it upon ourselves to plan a weekend getaway just for us girls. We didn’t mean for our escape to land exactly on Mother’s Day weekend, but in retrospect, it couldn’t have worked out better. This was the only weekend available before school lets out in the coming weeks and we become full-time social coordinators for our kids during the three months of summer vacation. Not to mention the fact that coincidentally, this weekend happened to be the one that our city received record amounts of rain and my house flooded. I have to admit, I’m not sad to have missed out on that cluster f*ck! Although the mess was no fun to come home to today, at least I was slightly more Zen than usual post girl’s trip and therefore better able to handle the situation.

Last week when I was shopping for a Mother’s Day card for my Mom with the boys, my youngest asked what I was doing. I told him that I was buying my Mom a card for Mother’s Day because it was the next weekend. His response, “Mother’s Day? When is Kid’s Day?” My reply, “Every other day of the year!? Your kids don’t give a shit that it’s Mother’s Day. To them it’s just Sunday. They’re still going to want you to make them food, schlep them to the park and wipe their asses. Let me ask you this, what better way to celebrate Mother’s Day than by doing something that you actually want to do? You have 364 other days of the year that your calendar is jam-packed full of shit you HAVE to do. Just because it’s Mother’s Day should not mean moms have to spend the entire day with their children. I got home from my trip this afternoon and within five minutes of walking in the door got shot in the throat by one of my kids with a Nerf dart gun…True story! Several hours of quality time before bedtime will prove more than enough for this Mother’s Day celebration. 

Several days in a city five hours away turned out to be the perfect plan for our escape. Far enough away that  we couldn’t be summoned home without good reason and close enough that we didn’t exhaust ourselves with the drive. This was definitely the best Mother’s Day gift either of us had ever received. Sure, it was our idea. And of course we made all of the plans. Nevertheless, all the credit goes to our husbands for saying yes! They watched the kids and kept them healthy and happy for several days without us to rely on for backup (or everything, depending on the husband). Who cares that my house was a disaster upon our return or that my children hadn’t bathed or brushed their teeth in three days? Who cares that my basement is full of water and our retractable awning above our deck was ripped off the house? A day at the spa and a couple of others to fill however I saw fit, was enough to put this Not So Zen Mom back on track…for the moment of course. I’m not sure how many more Nerf darts to the throat I can take before I’m back to Not So Zen, but for now, I’ll just enjoy it while it lasts! This weekend I actually was living the dream. If you’ve forgotten what relaxation looks like, have a look:
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Living the Dream…  

ABOUT

Hillary Wolf is a former child actress & 2x US Olympian in the sport of Judo. Now, she is a Not So Zen Mom to her two cute, crazy and hilarious little boys. Read More…

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